Why we are fated to feel lost

From the first sight of the pandemic in the Eastern world, I remember thinking about how nothing of that nature could ever hit us, we, as a collective society are too busy with our jobs, schooling, lives, to even consider the repercussions that a pandemic would have. Undoubtedly a terrible reason to avoid the imminent and very real events that were fast approaching us, this logic seemed to sustain my moral ground until it was no longer an option. The process of grievance of my old, scheduled life seemed to occur very quickly. From denial, to anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. The longest and most eye-opening stage for me was definitely depression, not so much as feelings of loneliness or hopelessness, but instead, the whole construct of what it means to be human.

When the world went on halt, classes cancelled, restaurants, gyms and malls closed indefinitely, the first thought was “now what?”. In a society where we are told that our self-worth is dependent on our ability to add value to society, what happens when the world is in quarantine? More than that, when we take away all the things that we find purpose in, like our jobs and routines, humans are stripped down to their most basic, animalistic, biological features. Existentialist thought was circling me, do we truly have a purpose, or is everything that we place purpose on, something we have socially constructed to give ourselves value?

As human beings, we exist pursuing a sense of meaning, reason, and purpose. From Greek mythology to religion, the overarching purpose of these schools of thought is the soothing of the soul, an answer to our questions, and meaning given to our lives. Is this life a test?

Now, this may seem extremely bleak, but the reality that we live in has been socially constructed to allow us to feel like we are meaningful, productive citizens that can contribute to society. Innately, these desires may exist, but look at the structures we have placed around us, educational institutions, research facilities, malls, grocery stores, the entertainment industry. At their core, they are simply distractions, things to fill our time, to make us feel certain emotions. That is in no way to say that these only offer negative repercussions, there are unlimited advantages that have come out of increased education, medical labs, better technology and communication, etc.

The question is not if these provide any benefit, it is whether they are used as a supplement to avoid the true feelings that many humans do feel. We pride ourselves on being evolved, with larger brains, languages, and building explicit and successful communities. Our essence, however, still has the basic desires and needs of any living being, to consume, to procreate, to feel safe. I guess my question is why is it that we overcomplicate our lives, create unattainable goals and hold ourselves to impossible standards? Are we simply living in an absurd world, where, as Albert Camus proposed, the world is chaos that inherently makes no sense, but as humans, we try to find meaning in everything, even when it isn’t there?

When I was in my third year of university, I remember looking up different pilgrimages I wanted to go on, as a spiritual experiment. I ended up coming to the conclusion that I wanted to relocate and become a monk in a secluded community deep in the mountains in India. You can picture my parents surprise, defensiveness, and absolute disapproval of my new life goals (lol). I thought, that if you were to strip everything away, the material goods, the high expectations, the busy lifestyle, that you would reach a level of peace that allowed you to truly find your purpose. I know this sounds extreme to many people, and I can absolutely understand why, but to me, there is something so powerful about connecting with our soul, without all the extra stuff. Without outfits to make you feel put together, work to feel productive, others’ love to feel worthy, it compelled me in ways that most contemporary solutions don’t. Needless to say, I never ended up embarking on a journey to become a monk (partially because I learned only men could be monks), but this thought experiment did make me realize a lot about my values.

The thing that I seem to be struggling with right now, is that, although I am at peace with who I am as a human being, I trust that I am a kind, nurturing soul, at every stage of my growth, there is a nagging feeling of disorientation. I know I’m not alone in this feeling, after all, without it, religion would not have gained the political and societal influence that it has today. My refrain from religion isn’t simply a ‘fuck you’ to my family. I understand, religion does not condemn violence, that extremist actions are not the product of religion itself. My gripe comes from the morality that religion places in people’s minds. The absolutes of right vs wrong, black vs white. Actions simply exist, religion and culture are the things that place positive or negative value towards them. Why is it that marrying a man from a different religious background condemns you and your children to hell? Or that showing certain parts of your body is seen as promiscuous? Religion can be comforting as for many, it is a sign of hope, a path to follow, rules that explain existence and how to succeed and fail. But just like anything, where it gives, it takes in return. These endless rules and formalities predict others’ worth based on identifiers such as sexual orientation. It doesn’t feel like a loving, understanding community that preaches kindness above all else. This is becoming an increasingly popular thought pattern. Which is when we turn to logic to help explain the theory of everything. Science has gained endless support for its ability to explain using evidence. But there is no answer to why. Sure, we can explain the big bang theory and evolution, but what is the purpose? Is there one, or are we just like all other living beings, taking up space, until our time is done?

We are fated to feel lost, not only because we exist without innate purpose, but because we wander through life trying to understand the inherently nonsensical thing that is life.

I guess what I'm really feeling is: Lost without a tribe, without direction. I know who I am, but what I want, how I will get there, that’s where it withers away.